May 30th, 2009
Dealing with a cheating wife is one of the hardest moments in a marriage for a loving husband. It usually starts out with just a feeling that your wife is having an affair. You don’t have any definite to go on, but you have noticed changes that you just can’t ignore. So you set out trying to find out what is going on. No matter how secretive she might be, there will be signs that will alert you to an affair. Even though you know that you may not like the results of your investigation, you do need to know for sure so that you know what you are dealing with.
The signs are basically all the same once you know what to look for. There will not be any one sign, but rather a combination of signs. These can include any or all of the following:
* Working later hours, but not receiving extra pay
* She has new friends and you don’t know any of them
* She makes excuses for not attending family functions
* She changes her perfume
* She stops wearing her wedding ring
* She comes home with a scent of aftershave on her that isn’t yours
* She has less desire for lovemaking
* She doesn’t want to hug or kiss or hold hands
* She makes up excuses for being out of the home
* She shuts down the computer screen so you won’t know who she is talking to
* She makes sure she erases the caller’s list
* She is more secretive when talking on her cell phone
Although by itself it is not a sign that she is cheating, but when you notice other signs and then you see she is paying more attention to her appearance, perhaps by going on a diet or joining a gym, you should be on the alert. If you can devise a way to get hold of her sell phone, you can check to see whom she has been calling or who has been calling her. Then using a reverse telephone look up, you can find the name and address, so you have a name to start with. Then you can listen attentively to see if she does bring up this name in any of her conversations with you.
You may have to revert to following her discreetly to check up on her activities, just to see if she actually goes where she says she is going. You can even start a casual conversation with one of her close friends to see if they are uncomfortable talking about her activities and don’t want to be the one to let you know she is cheating on you. Best friends usually know something is going on.
When you do confront her and she admits the affair, at least you will be prepared for it. It is harder to deal with the situation if you find out and are not aware of anything going on.
May 23rd, 2009
Coping with infidelity is perhaps the hardest thing you will have to deal with in your married life. Infidelity occurs when your spouse starts going out and having sexual relations with another person. When you discover this new relationship or even find out about after it is over, there is a breakdown in the amount of trust that you place in your spouse. Your likelihood of wanting to be intimate with your husband or wife knowing that they have slept with another partner is decreased and you are afraid that this other person may take your place and you will be pushed aside.
Infidelity is always harmful in a marriage and can often be destructive leading to separation and divorce. Even though you may feel as if someone has died or that part of your heart will never recover, you do need to take steps to heal yourself. Coping with the adultery is painful and traumatic often requiring medical help to get you through. The first step to help you cope is for the cheating spouse to admit the affair and offer a sincere apology. The affair has to end immediately and you will probably want proof that it has ended.
You do need to sit down and talk about your marriage - the good and the bad points. You will need to know the why and how of the affair and if it was because of something you di or didn’t do. The betrayed spouse not only feels anger at the discovery, but also the feeling that he/she should have been a better wife or husband. This is not always the case because some affairs start out as friendship and just gradually develop. Even so, the cheating spouse does know that having an affair is wrong and could potentially wreck the marriage, so this begs the question - why let it go on?
You may question your whole marriage and wonder if it was a mistake. You may feel that your spouse never loved you and that everything in your married life was a lie. In order to recover from this trauma, you do have to revisit it and get to the bottom of things. It is only when you fully understand what led to the affair that you can start to heal and cope. You do have to reach a point where there are no more surprises for you and to achieve this you have to ask a lot of questions for which you may not like the answers.
You may feel embarrassed that others knew about the affair before you did and not want to see your friends or engage in your normal activities. If this is the case, you do need support to help you cope. You do need to still have your friends around you for support and to seek counseling if this doesn’t seem to help. Continuing with your regular routine will give you the stability and organization that you need in this traumatic time of your life.
May 16th, 2009
If you are looking for advice on how to forgive infidelity, then you probably have doubts as to whether or not you should forgive your partner for being unfaithful to you. If you knew without a doubt that there is no way you can ever forgive, then you would probably be gone from the relationship. However, you need to reflect on your relationship up to the point when you began to suspect there was another person in your partner’s life.
Think about your partner and what kind of person he/she is. Is this something completely out of character or is it something you have had to deal with in the past. If discovering the affair was something that took you completely by surprise, then you can probably believe your partner when he/she says there was never any intention to have an affair. It just happened and continued. If it is not the first time, though, you should ask yourself if you should forgive only to be hurt again in the future.
When you decide that this was a transgression that your spouse is not likely to repeat you still need answers to certain questions before healing and forgiveness can take place. You need to know how the affair started and developed and most of all you want to know if your partner felt guilty when with this lover. If so, you will likely ask why it continued and didn’t stop sooner. These questions will get to the root of the problem and you will find ways of salvaging your relationship through the needs your partner found that the affair fulfilled. If you can say with certainty that you have always continued to be loving and supportive and didn’t do anything to cause your partner to stray, then it may take you longer to forgive.
So if this is the final straw and you can’t take any more, you have to look at what is at stake if you end the relationship. If you have children, you want to think about how you are going to explain a separation or divorce. If you are not sure how they will react, you and your partner may agree to a temporary separation to allow you both some space and to see how things work out. During this time away from each other, though, you will have more and more suspicions that your spouse is continuing the affair or is involved in anew one.
You have to look at your financial situation. During your years together you have both invested time and money into your home and more than likely you have accumulated debts together. How will you manage to repay the debts and is your spouse’s salary enough to manage alimony and child support as well as provide for living expenses? Maybe you will decide to stay in the relationship and give the appearance of forgiveness just because you can’t really afford to move out. This is a hard decision to make because it means that forgiveness hasn’t really taken place.
May 9th, 2009
It is hard to discuss the causes of marital affairs because they are so different and depend on individual circumstances. Each affair is a result of complicated factors that can run the gamut to being unhappy in the marriage or just being in the right (or wrong) place at the right time. The factors that led to an extramarital affair can be looked at in social, cultural or psychological terms.
There are men and women who are social butterflies, always flirting with someone. You don’t relay know if they are fooling around or if they are really looking for you to flirt back with the hopes of it leading somewhere. For these people, one partner is never enough and they go through partners like water appearing to be searching for something that is just out of their reach. On the surface they appear to have a happy marriage and their spouse probably does think they do never suspecting a thing. For some spouses, they don’t care that their partner is cheating on them, just as long as they come home to them at the end of the affair or each night knowing full well that they have been with someone else.
If one of the spouses is consumed with his/her own happiness instead of making sure that the spouse’s needs are being met, then this could be the cause of an affair for either one of them. A husband or wife that feels neglected will go out and have an affair with another person just for companionship and for needed emotional comfort and support. The greedy spouse will go out and have an affair just because it’s what he/she needs at the time to feel happy.
With the relaxed divorce laws and the ease with which one can now get a divorce, there seems to be an increase in the number of extramarital affairs. This means that there is less commitment and sincerity on the part of one of the spouses right from the start of the marriage because he/she knows that it will be easy to get out of the marriage by using irreconcilable differences as the grounds for the divorce. Even the threat of being jailed or fined in some states does not deter the would-be cheater because it is common knowledge that there has to be irrefutable proof of the adultery. Of course, everyone that gets into an affair feels that they can keep it a secret and won’t get caught.
Another factor that often contributes to marital affairs is a change in the situation at home. The birth of children means that the couple has less time to spend alone with each other. There are also added financial responsibilities that one spouse may use the affair as a way of escaping from for a short time. Then there is the age factor. Both men and women feel that they are getting old and do not want to let go of the freedom of their youth. They engage in an affair with a person much younger than themselves trying to recapture some of their younger days and deny that they are getting older.