When you discover that your spouse has been having an affair, you may feel so hurt and devastated that you feel you will never recover from the marital infidelity. However, this experience is also hurtful for the spouse who was unfaithful in the guilt and remorse he/she feels, plus the embarrassment of knowing that everyone else knows about it too. Children feel the pain when their parents are fighting and not getting along because they feel neglected and sometimes they may feel that they did something wrong. So there is more than one person that has to recover.The main people to figure out how to work things out are the spouses themselves. How the affair was discovered has a lot to do with the recovery period. If you have suspicions, collected evidence that pointed to an affair and then confronted your spouse, who admitted what was going on, this tends to be easier to deal with than a sudden discovery. It is harder to recover when you walk in on your spouse and the lover engaged in sexual activity or if you find out about the affair through a third party. This is because there is a blatant betrayal of trust involved and you not only feel hurt, but you feel as if you have been made to look like a fool.

It also depends on the length of time the affair has been going on. A one-night stand can be accepted for what it is – a one time thing. You will still feel mistrustful when your spouse goes off alone or on a business trip wondering if the same thing will happen. If the affair has been going on for some time, you do know that there is an emotional attachment between your spouse and his/her lover that may be hard to break. Then you will spend a longer period of time trying to build up trust in this persona again and you may always be looking for signs that the affair has resumed or that it never stopped.

For the spouse that was unfaithful, the reasons for the infidelity have to come out. If there is a problem with the marriage that caused you to look elsewhere, things are not going to improve at home unless you get these problems out in the open and take steps to resolve them. More than likely, you do have feelings for the person with whom you have an affair and it is just as hard to break off the relationship as it was to admit it to your spouse. You may have to deal with hurt and anger on this side as well and feel you are caught in the middle. You do have to step back and reflect on your actions to help you make a decision as to how you need to proceed to make everything right.

The recovery period from infidelity in a marriage does not happen overnight. It takes a long time to get over this – maybe years.

Getting over an affair is a very stressful period in your life. You may actually wonder if you will ever get over it, but you will, one way or another. Once you discover that your partner has been unfaithful, you will feel a sense of loss – the loss of trust between you, a loss of love and a loss of your sense of self-worth. You will probably think that you did something wrong and quite often an affair does not have anything to do with the actions of the betrayed partner. Therefore, you need to put some space between you so that you can grieve. A grieving period is necessary in order to take the steps needed to move on.

First you have to reflect on your relationship and decide if it is worth saving. Think about how you feel about your partner and if there is still love there that can help salvage what you once had. This involves having a discussion with your cheating partner to discuss the reasons for the affair and why he/she allowed it to continue for the length of time it did. Once all this is out bin the open then you can discuss how you feel about each other.

The partner that was unfaithful has to make a sincere apology. You may be doubtful about this sincerity if you caught him/her in the act because it may be an apology for getting caught. If your partner admits the affair before you actually find out or before your suspicions are confirmed, you may feel better about the sincerity of the apology, especially if he/she says that the affair is already over. There have to be sincere promises that it won’t happen again. Even with these promises, it will take you time to get over the feeling of betrayal and it will take you time to trust your partner again.

You do have to let your feelings out – cry, rant, get angry. A release of feelings is necessary for the healing process to begin. Even though you may feel hurt and devastated, you do need to make sure you do not hurl accusations about other things or say things that you will later be sorry for saying. Once the words are out of your mouth, you cannot take them back. However, both of you need to let your frustrations out.

You do need to let your partner know that from now on there are boundaries for his actions. Let him/her know what you will and will not accept. If your partner is serious about mending the breach caused by the affair, he/she will agree to whatever terms you set, provided they are reasonable. You should not try to control your partner too much or you will drive him/her away forever. Above all, give yourself time. Don’t act in haste or do anything rash. Think about what brought you together and the love you once shared. This will help you get through the experience.

When you start to have a gut feeling that you have an unfaithful girlfriend, you cannot just start throwing around accusations because it may not be the case. You could be ending a healthy relationship without just cause because then your girlfriend will think you don’t trust her and may actually start an affair just to get revenge What you do need to do is become more aware of what led to those suspicions and start looking for evidence to confirm or deny them. Any partner cheating on another will try to be extremely careful, but sooner or later she will skip up and make a mistake.

The reasons for the unfaithfulness are different for each person and there is no one sign that will point directly to the cheating activity, unless you actually catch her with another man. There is a combination of signs that you should look for and once you recognize them they will all add up. The first thing to think about is your sex life. Has there been a decrease in your lovemaking? Is she always tired and comes up with excuses leaving you to think she doesn’t have any time for you any more? At one time you spent all your time together and were always kissing, hugging and holding hands, but now that seems to be a thing of the past. Her excuses of extra work, having to be out of the house more often shopping or running errands may be her opportunities to meet with her lover.

Is your girlfriend acting more secretive lately? A cheating girlfriend will try to hide things from you, such as talking on the phone in another room, having her cell phone turned off when you are around or making sure that she is the one to erase the caller’s list on the house phone. When she is using the computer, if she suddenly turns off the computer or switches to a different screen as soon as you come around, it may be because she is chatting with someone online and doesn’t want you to know about it.

When you ask about her day, she may not want to tell you the details about what she did or where she went. You may notice inconsistencies in her stories and catch her saying that she was in a certain place when you know for a fact that she wasn’t there. When you bring this up, she may feign forgetfulness or say that she was mixed up in the time or the date. All these are excuses that should alert you that there is someone else with whom she is carrying on behind your back.

Try to get her cell phone and look at the caller’s list. An unfamiliar number that calls constantly should set off the warning bells. Then using a reverse telephone look up service, you can find the name and address of this caller. Check out the address to see what the man does or goes. You might want to indiscreetly follow your girlfriend when she goes on one of her supposed errands to see if you can catch her in the act.

Discovering your spouse has been unfaithful can cause emotional wounds from which you think you will never recover. Overcoming infidelity is extremely hard, but not impossible. It requires time, often as much as years to get over the hurt. The advice you often receive from friends and family is often for you to forget about now that it is over and to move on. This is something you can’t do and it is only someone who has never been through this experience that will give you such advice. There is a grieving process involved because you feel as if you have lost an important part of your life, especially if the discovery cam as a shock to you.

If this is the first incidence of infidelity, you can accept the apology and talk about what led to the affair. If, however, it seems as if your partner has a string of affairs and apologizes, only to start another affair, then it is time for you to take a long, hard look at your relationship. It is also easier to forgive infidelity if it was a one-night stand, but it is still a hard process. Forgiving is not easy because the suspicions will always be there and the spouse now has to prove that he/she is faithful.

Is your relationship worth saving? This is one of the main things you have to reflect on when you discover that your partner has been unfaithful. What repairs do you have to make to the relationship so that you can get it back to where it once was? It may be easier to think about a divorce or dissolving the relationship if there are no children involved. However, you have invested a lot of time and money into this relationship and you may have accumulated debts together. Therefore, just getting out of the relationship is not as easy as it seems. It is important to take steps to try to save the relationship.

You may forgive but you will never forget. Once infidelity happens, you will always have it at the back of your mind and wonder if the same thing is happening every time your partner leaves for a night with the boys or a business trip. You may even start to notice how he/she reacts around your friends and pick up on little bits of conversations that you would previously have ignored.

Dealing with infidelity and moving on is stressful for both partners. The cheating partner will always be on his/her toes trying to assure you that nothing is happening. So much so that you may even think the extra attention is contrived or fake. During this reconciliation period, frank and open discussions are essential, answering all questions honestly. Once honesty is restored to the relationship, trust will return and eventually you will both be more comfortable in the ways things are progressing. One bout of unfaithfulness is hard to get over, but when it happens a second and third time, then you should know that it is likely that you won’t be able to get over it.