My top pick for tips on how to catch cheating is this book by Sarah Paul

Archive for April, 2009

What Is Emotional Adultery and How Do I Deal With It?

Saturday, April 25th, 2009

You don’t have to sleep with another person to commit adultery. Emotional adultery is flirting with another person outside of marriage. You do have to have sex to cheat on your spouse. The thing is that many people do not realize that they are doing anything wrong by flirting with another person, sending emails with sexual undertones or hanging out with members of the opposite sex at a get together. Most people just think of this as socializing without doing any harm.

When you take steps to bring this kind of action to an end, you could be doing your marriage one of the biggest favors of all. This is not because such activities may lead to something more, but engaging in this activity takes your focus away from the sanctity of your marriage and your relationship with your spouse. You did make a vow of commitment when you got married and this includes all ways of leading or coming on to members of the opposite sex.

Some may ask what harm is there in having a friendship with a person of the opposite gender. It is not the friendship that is in question, but the types of things you talk about and the way you behave around each other. Every friendship doesn’t lead to an affair. If it did, there would be far more extramarital affairs than there are. Those who claim that such intimate things as sharing an off-color joke with a friend or making a sexual comment is adultery involving emotions.

Some of the things that could be regarded as emotional cheating include:

* You find a particular joke really funny and tell it to all your coworkers, but not your spouse
* You feel more comfortable in confiding problems you have at work with a coworker of the opposite sex but your spouse does not know anything about your problems
* You spend your lunch time at a restaurant with a coworker and go out for drinks after work
* You flirt with people at parties, in the office and even with friends that come to your home
* You feel that when you feel turned on by the flirting that you are actually helping your marriage
* You spend a lot of time finding the perfect gift for a member of the opposite sex, but you just pick up the first thing you find as a gift for your spouse
* You share information about the intimate details of your sex life with another person

All of these are signs that you could be committing adultery in an emotional way. The fact is that you are spending more energy in entertaining your coworkers and friends than you are in making sure your spouse is happy. Why don’t you sit and talk with your spouse about he/she feels about these things. You may be surprised to learn that your spouse has been hurt by your comments and flirting on times, but didn’t bother to mention it.

Forgiving Emotional Infidelity - How To Move On

Saturday, April 18th, 2009

Forgiving emotional infidelity is much easier than forgiving an actual affair. This is because many people do not believe that such a thing exists. This type of infidelity refers to thinking about and craving intimacy from someone other than one’s spouse. It also refers to a strong friendship between two people of the opposite sex when one or both of them is married. You never know what someone else is thinking so how do you know if your spouse is cheating on you in his her mind? Many men and women laugh it off and say as long as the spouse doesn’t have an affair, they can think what they like.

However, this type of infidelity can be just as damaging to a relationship as if your spouse had actually slept with someone else. There is more than just thinking about this person involved. It starts out as a friendship and your spouse gets more comfort from the friendship than she does from you. In the friendship, your spouse tells the friend intimate details of your relationship and seeks comfort forma any problems in your marriage. In this affair there is no actual sexual intimacy, which is why your spouse may not consider it cheating.

This type of infidelity is different from an ordinary friendship in that it takes your spouse away from you and your home. Just as if he/she was having an affair, your spouse will devise excuses for leaving the house to meet the friend. It could be a coworker and they have lunch and drinks after work together. There is no secrecy involved in a platonic relationship, but in this type of infidelity, your spouse works very hard at keeping it from you. There is a sexual attraction, which they may or may not act on and take the unfaithfulness to the next level.

For most people, it is easier to forgive an emotional affair knowing that there is no sexual activity involved. It means that you have to bring it to your spouse’s attention that you notice that things have changed and you want to know what is going on. He/She will admit that there is another person, but will adamantly stress that nothing is going on. You should discuss the reasons your spouse is dawn to this other person and see if you can come up with ways of salvaging your relationship. Your spouse will likely be surprised to learn that you have been feeling neglected and will tell you that there is still love in the marriage.

Once you are sure that your spouse does love you, you should ask that he/she stop seeing this person so often. You could also ask if you can meet the other friend. This is a solution though that could make the situation worse because your spouse may take it as permission to continue and even take the affair further. The best thing is to ask your spouse to end the friendship so that you can work harder at making your marriage work. When you learn the reasons why this friendship developed so strongly, then both of you have a starting point from which you can start to rebuild your lives together.

What To Do If You Suspect Spousal Infidelity

Saturday, April 11th, 2009

When you suspect that your spouse is cheating on you, it is very likely that you are correct. With spousal infidelity you do know your spouse’s habits and therefore will be able to spot discrepancies or sudden changes. Every case is different and what mya be a warning sign in one couple’s relationship may not be a sign in your relationship. Also, there is no one sign that you can point to, but rather it is a collection of little things that will give you some suspicion. You do have to try to be impartial and not interpret everything as a sign of cheating.

Some of the signs to be aware of:

* Spending longer periods of time away from home
* A decrease in lovemaking with you
* Tends to be easily distracted and you find him/her daydreaming a lot
* You often can’t reach your spouse when you call the office
* Does not invite you to attend office or work-related functions any more
* Doesn’t return you calls right away like before
* Uses the computer when you are not around or is secretive about the Internet activity
* Uses the Internet when you are asleep
* Asks about when you will be out of the house quite frequently
* The mileage on the family vehicle is higher than normal
* A scent of perfume or aftershave on clothing that is different from yours
* Unexplained charges on the credit card
* Seems to have more cash on hand than normal
* Unexplained numbers on the telephone bill
* Uses a phone card
* Starts deleting email messages
* Starts deleting the callers’ list from the telephone

When you do add up more than one of these signs, you should start a casual conversation asking about the sudden changes you notice in your spouse’s behavior. Mention that you have noticed the changes and you want to know if there is anything wrong. If your spouse become defensive, wants to change the subject or switched the subject onto you and something you have done wrong, then you could then bring up what you think is going on. It is likely that your spouse will deny that he/she is having an affair. However, if the affair has reached the point where your spouse wants to get everything out in the open then this is a chance for the admission to come out.

You can expect to be hurt and angry, but you probably already area because of your suspicions. You will want to know why and how this affair developed and why your spouse didn’t tell you about it before now. This is the time for a frank discussion about your marriage and if there is anything left to salvage. If your spouse says that there is still love there for you, then the first step is to apologize and to end the affair immediately. Both of you may need to have some space to calm down and then sit down for a rational discussion without shouting or making accusations you may later regret.

Extramarital Relationships Damage More Than Just The Marriage

Saturday, April 4th, 2009

It is amazing that survey reports tell you that 90% of married couples disapprove of extramarital relationships. Yet at least 60% of men and 40% of women admit to having had such a relationship at some time during their married life. This is just the ones that admit it, which means the numbers are actually much higher. What is it about finding out your spouse is having an affair that causes so much hurt, devastation and pain? When a couple gets married, they make a commitment to be true to one another as long as they both shall live. When one of the partners sleeps with someone else, this is a breach of the marriage contract and therefore it destroys the trust.

Whether it is the husband or the wife that cheats, the other spouse is left with the feeling that the marriage didn’t mean anything. They also have feelings of low self-esteem thinking they are not good enough for the spouse and that they did something to cause the affair. The initial discovery is one of heartbreak when the betrayed spouse feels that nothing will ever be right again and that the marriage is over. No doubt there will be a fight with raised voices and accusations being flung from one to the other.

The betrayed spouse is hurt, but so is the cheating spouse. The feeling of guilt at having hurt someone he/she loves or once loved is great. If the spouse promises to end the affair and start over working to regain the trust of the husband or wife, there is also a sense of loss because the sense of excitement is now gone. He/She also has to face the other person to tell them that the affair is ending and can brace for another bout of raised voices and tears.

If there are children in the marriage, they are also hurt by the extramarital affair even if they do not know what is going on. They know that their parents are fighting and they may have the idea that they are somehow to blame. If the parents decide to get a divorce then they are torn between both parents wanting them to stay together.

Friends of the couple are also torn in wanting to remain friends with both of them, yet they want to show support for the spouse who is their best friend. While they will offer support, they are reluctant to join in condemning the spouse that did cheat for fear that if you do reconcile, then some of the things they say could be used against them and they will lose the friendship of both partners. .

There are more people involved in an affair than you realize so you do have to think about more than just your happiness if you consider the possibility of getting involved with someone else. Rebuilding the marriage after an affair is not something that happens overnight. It will take a time, perhaps years, before the betrayed spouse learns to trust again.